Where do we go from here?

So it's the Sunday following my returning from my 4ish days in Cuenca. While I expected this past week to be a small piece of hell as I was exhausted after the adventure of the nite bus last Saturday night, it has turned out to be much better than expected. I got a decent amount of sleep before starting class on Monday and woke up excited to get back to class and my students. BELIEVE ME, they were the furthest thing from my mind when I woke up from my nap from 730am-230pm on Sunday afternoon, realizing I had no materials prepared for class that week minus a rough outline of my lesson plans.

On Monday, all the professors (actual teachers and staff) were curious to know my reaction to Cuenca. Really, if you visit it, it's a hard place to hate...beautiful architecture, a smaller city so easily navigable, less climbing up hills than in Quito, delicious food, friendly people (may have been due to the fiesta-ing!!), a bit of history, and plenty to do. In all, I was more impressed than I thought I was going to be. Not that I had low expectations, but really, it was my first trip outside of the relatively rough streets of Quito. I've been too much exposed to European cities so I'm happy to see how other parts of the world preserve their past, function in the present, and plan for the future. My favorite professor in colegio, Luis, who is this crazy old man and always greets me with a hug and a friendly kiss on the cheek, along with the inspector who I still can't remember his name even though I talk to him everyday..oops! were teasing me about my fiesta-ing and asked me how many hearts I brought back from Cuenca. I told them every single one, and of course they got a kick outa it. They also told me it was an Ecuadorian tradition to take off your clothes (mardi gras??) during the Fiestas of any city for their independence. They were teasing each other in good humor (making me a bit uncomfortable!) and of course teasing me as well. One of the other volunteers walked in mid conversation and I think was a bit confused. In general, these boundries are a bit blured here...maybe because it's a private institution, but probably because it's Latin America and I'm a pretty conservative American (at least when it comes to fiesta-ing!). I’m reminded of my Americanness every day in the way I react to people here--coworkers, other teachers, my Ecua-friends, etc. In Europe, I didn't feel quite the same separate way of living and looking at the world than I do here. Sure, its drastically different in Europe (they can't fathom gun control or the death penalty or not having universal social programs), but there’s something much more simple here that people understand about life. Maybe it’s just people at the Center, but there’s not so much clutter of stuff getting in the way. Again, might just be the amazing people I have the privilege to work with and serve as, quite honestly they don’t have the means to have the clutter, but I’ve met several people outside the center who’ve challenged my narrow way of looking at my life and the things I want to accomplish in life, which brings me to much deeper more complex questions that have been boggling my mind, particularly this past weekend.

I seem to come in and out of these little bouts of really trying to find what I want to do after this year. It may have something to do with the constant chatter around me of plans for jobs, grad schools, a second year, etc., but really I think it is because I feel better when I know things are planned so I know exactly what I need to do to get there. Perhaps I am this way because I lived day to day for a time in my life, never really knowing what a day would bring and only having the energy to take one task off my list at a time. Perhaps I am afraid I will disappoint my parents if I don’t find this passion I so actively seek. They have put so much faith in my grand dreams and given me so much love I can’t even explain it. Perhaps I am afraid I will disappoint myself, come shattering to pieces, and my fierce exterior will be revealed. Perhaps I am afraid I will never feel fulfilled after this year, want to stay forever, and miss out on everything in my family and friend’s lives back at home. Perhaps I am too afraid to commit to something selfish after this, realize ten years from now that it was the wrong decision, and live in regret. Am I overthinking this? Absolutely. Do I know how NOT to overthink anything? Absolutely not. All I know is that this year is changing me faster than I can even try to keep up with. My head, my heart, everything I believed about myself and about the world has shifted…for now, this change is slight, but it’s only November. I still have 8 months or so left. I’m terrified and excited to see what the next 8 months will bring out in me and the world.

I’ve also started having these crazy ideas in my head about God. I said it, GOD. I think I started ignoring organized religion and things I understood with perfect clarity in during my years in youth group my senior year of high school. Why this did not distract me from 4 years at the Catholic University of America is beyond me, but by that point, I needed to fulfill a yearning for a cosmopolitan and sophisticated way of living in Washington (plus a greater need to run as far as I could from Buffalo), so the terrifying angry Jesus or the chapels, crosses, nuns, priests, and God-Squad campus ministry didn’t deter me too much in this regard. Anyway, I guess I’m starting to reconsider, but hear me out. I’m starting to realize that living for myself the way I have been since that time is illogical, selfish, and unfulfilling. Perhaps this has a tie into this impossible dig I find myself pursuing, but I think that not living for myself as I am doing here (at least til the end of July 2012) is the first step in finding whatever answer I need that is haunting my waking moments.

I hope that clarity comes in the form of my dreams as this is the last thing I will think about before I close my eyes for the night. I always try to find a positive thought or feeling to dwell on before I fall asleep as I don’t like to go to bed angry or frustrated. To this, I will try to take to heart this terribly cheesy song I found on iTunes by Randy Houser…It’s called “In God’s Time.”

In God’s time a million years might only be a single day, and everything he does gets done in his own way, in God’s time;

In God’s time you’ll find that certain someone you’ve been praying for, and they’ll be everything you prayed for and a little more, In God’s time

Oh but no one knows not you or me, it might be tomorrow it might never be, oh but don’t lose faith, put it in his hands, cause it might be that he has a bigger plan that you had in mind, miracles happen In God’s time

In God’s time, you go to sleep and wake up with wings and learn to fly, and you’ll finally meet your loved ones on the other side, in God’s time.