The Silver Lining....

Well, I guess waking up in my own bed has come sooner than expected. Life has a funny way of catching us off guard and really messing with our heads sometimes. For me, the past month has been the most emotionally unstable, up and down, and heart-wrenching of my life-- certainly no exception to this mantra. Fortunately, or unfortunately, however you chose to interpret difficult moments, I know this is just a piece of my story and that there will be plenty of other heartbreaking, earth-shattering moments where it feels like the end. I'm still hoping for a better beginning with a happy, happy ending.

So here I am, back home, a week til surgery, still trying to digest it all--haha, funny, considering the circumstances. To sum it up for those outside of the know, after 3 different medical specialists, umteen tests, and many hours of missed class, it was finally decided that I needed to go home. Each doctor told me this separately  but I was so determined to find a way out of it and couldn't believe it was time to go, just as I start getting into a routine. In the end, fate ruled. I've never cried harder in front of anyone before (or even in my own privacy) than when Dr. Guliana (the doctor at the CMT) told me that the gastro decided that for what I needed done, it would be better to be in the States where they have the specialists to deal with the problem. My chest collapsed, my heart racing overtime trying to keep myself from falling over. Every person in the waiting room at the doctor's office was staring at the erratic gringa who couldn't keep herself together. I didn't care. At that moment, I lost the one thing that gave me life, that made me smile, that brought me such unconditional and inexplicable joy: Armando, my girls, my adults, my family of families, my 5 year old best friends, the smiles, the hugs, the laughter, the hope, the lessons, the volunteers. I had to think about myself and I couldn't have hated that feeling more. I had to go home. 

After saying "hasta pronto" to my colegio girls and a few people at the Center who knew what was going on, friends in Quito, and of course the volunteers, (and a last minute send off lunch from the Holguins, loves of my life), I got on a plane pretty quickly, broken, angry, hopeless. I couldn't understand (and still struggle to) WHY, if there was a god, he would do this to me: not just take something away from me, but take something so seemingly selfless. I thought I had learned the fragility and great gift of life after I did this three years ago. What could I possibly gain personally from this awful situation?  I thought I had my life back after my drama three years ago. They took the disease out, it no longer controlled me. Turns out in the end, our bodies still rule everything else we want and need emotionally, spiritually, academically, personally. I am only human. I hate that.

Well, it turns out that even when you think you've hit rock bottom, it can get worse. I spent a few days after getting in at home by myself as my parents were working. I thought obsessively, filtering my feelings and situation, struggling to find reason, which I always look for first. I couldn't find it. I didn't want to leave the house. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want anyone beyond my immediate family and friends to know I was home. I wasn't home. My head and my heart weren't with my body. They were in my classrooms in Quito with the students I had left, just left. Never have I felt so empty and alone before.

After 2 days of sulking in my own melancholy, I snapped. I wasn't myself and I couldn't take it anymore. Where was the strong, fiercely stubborn girl who never let anything but herself rule? I realized that I had something to live for. I had to get better, physically and emotionally, not only for myself, but to get back to my work: my Jean Pierre, Armando, my adults who I love so much, my colegio students who are probably driving Jose crazy. But once again, the universe ruled. I went to the doctor: 6 months en casa. 6 months. I died emotionally again. He told me he felt worse than when he tells people they have cancer. He might as well have told me I have cancer. I didn't see a difference.

My silver lining....I've been looking for it relentlessly since they told me I was going home, but even moreso after learning of how complicated the surgery actually is. It's in the silver lining that I think I will eventually come to terms with reason. It first began its revelation to me when I called some of the volunteers back in Quito who were with me last year the same night I learned of my fate. They've been my rock the past few weeks, covering my butt with other volunteers, covering classes, letting me cry to them at 3am because I'm so frustrated and can't accept what was going on, all along giving me courage, for myself, for a quick return to the Center. Almost immediately, after about 6 hours of tears, I stopped crying.  They made me laugh, cracked my anguish, and for a moment, I stopped thinking about me. I don't remember what they told me exactly that made me smile (it doesn't take much usually), but I felt a little less sad and eternally grateful for the gift of their presence in my life.

Later that night, I got a surprise skype call from a friend from Quito. Some people just have the gift of perspective not only in their own lives, but in giving perspective to others. He gave me that, reminding me that this isn't the hardest thing I will face in my life. As scary as it is, I know this is just a test. Something good will come of this which will bring me back to the equilibrium I always look for in the universe. I was so grateful for his call, his honesty. Some people never seize to surprise me. I love friends like that.

So as I continue my search for my silver lining, for my equilibrium, for some sense of peace in all this (which I will probably find on my return flight to Quito!), I've been doing my best to distract myself: I'm working at the office, reading a lot, thinking hard about grad school, studying some spanish vocabulary. I've been doing a pretty good job with this, but then there are the moments I'm by myself: driving in the car, running an errand to the grocery store for work, seeing little kids shopping with their parents or dressed up for Halloween,  where I'm reminded that I'm here, not there. I fight with these moments all the time. These moments want to break me again. I fight to take a deep breath, keep calm, and know this is only a test.

Just as soon as I found myself back in Hamburg will I find myself in Quito, my arms wrapped around my family in the place I call home. Si se puede.

End of September

It's hard to believe, but it's already the end of September. Four weeks of classes have flown by and I'm still trying to figure out how it happened. Didn't I just get here?

While this strange structure of time is somewhat alarming, it's telling of the love I have for my work, the kids, the families, Ecua-Life in general. If I hated it here or was in any way miserable I'd be complaining about how its ONLY the end of September. Instead, I'm trying to figure out how to stop time, soak in every hug, every smile, every class a little more. Right now I feel like I am going to wake up and be back in my bed in Hamburg (which isn't a bad thing since Jeeves will probably be snuggled up next to me), but I am in no way ready to think about that!

September has been a month of change to say the least. Last Friday (9/21) I picked up an 8th grade boys class in Cotocollao. It was kind of against my own plans, but since I was the only one who stepped up, I was given these 14 thirteen year old boys who were well, much like the other 8th grade boys class I had for 3 days--INSANE. THEN, in the past few days, one of the new vols asked me if she could take the class since she knew how busy/overwhelmed I was with all my classes and she also really wanted it. I thought about it for a few days, and while I feel a bit guilty about it, I really missed going to mass/lunch with the kids, felt like my other classes were suffering, and really could use the time I was putting into these boys (a lot for a 5 hr a week class), for my other classes which I was originally given. So, now I will just see them once a week when I take them down to mass. Tomorrow will be her first day with them...I wish her the best!

On a completely different note, part of my Friday schedule is to visit the different neighborhoods, visit families, make sure the boys are out working instead of playing video games, and talk to people about joining the Center. Two weeks ago I went with two of the ladies at the Center who are in charge of this (Elsa and Teresa) to visit my student Armando's house because earlier that morning, Armando's mom came into special ed to explain to Dr. Elizabeth a.) why Armando hadn't be in class all week and b.) that they had a fire at the house. Obviously, I was extremely concerned, not only because Armando is my student, but because I know the family well and wanted to make sure they were okay. They way his mom described the fire sounded like they lost everything. Luckily for me, I have barrios (house visits), so in the afternoon, I asked Elsa if we could go visit the family to survey the damage.

After scaling the side of the mountain (almost to Pichincha), we found the house, and Armando, his siblings Ruby and Oscar, and his mom washing clothes. After preparing for the absolute worst, we found out that they only lost one section of the house (where his oldest brother Vladamir sleeps) and the storage area. This was a big hit for the family, especially for Vladamir since he had bought a lot of his own clothes, bed, etc as he works a lot, but no one was hurt. The crazy thing is that the nite of the fire, for whatever reason, Vladamir decided to sleep down where the rest of the family sleeps in a different part. If he had not made that random decision, he might not have been so lucky. Where his room and the storage area was were bags and bags of ash, just sitting until someone moved it. It looked like a grave yard, but again, I was relieved to see that the family was physically okay.

While at the house, Armando, Ruby, and Oscar showed me where they sleep, where they keep their clothes, etc. Armando also proudly showed me some of his school work that he had done with Dr. Elizabeth and Julie (former vol). He reminded me of how hard I need to work everyday for him.

This past week in barrios was also interesting in that after almost being attacked by stray dogs several times, climbing the side of gated pastures for cows, almost being attacked by said cows, and talking with people about the Center (I feel like a Jehovah's Witness a little!), we visited the house of a girl who was in my religion class last year (Jadira), and her grandmother (Maria) who worked with Jana and I in Adult Ed last year. This lady is a character. She's probably about 75 years old, teeny tiny, and very very indigenous. She brought Jana (who worked with her directly) liters of fresh milk from her cows last year. It was interesting and eye opening to see this tiny, frail lady lead 4 cows (2 angry males!) in from pasture to give them some dry corn husks (as there isnt anything else for them to eat since it has been so dry). It was cool to see where she lived (awesome view) as she would always tell Jana and I how hard it was to come down to the Center for class some days because of her bad knees and how high she lived. She was NOT kidding! I give her props for doing what she does at her age!

So, this week, we FINALLY begin adult classes and reflection, so there goes the remainder of my free time....should be interesting.

So that's me for now, all over the place, thinking and doing 5 million things at once and somehow remaining sane through it all.....with a smile on my face :)

until next time.

Week 1.5 and Still Smiling

It's Wednesday of the second week of class. I tried writing something over this past weekend, but it proved impossible as, well, the following happened:

After my first two days of classes went by on a breeze, Madre Cindy threw David and I (both second year vols) a curve ball by taking away his favorite boy's English class, me giving up time with Armando (my special ed student who will fill this blog most of all so far as I can see), and asking me to travel downtown everyday with no such break for lunch or the bathroom from 8-4. Had this been last year, I would have done it, but I have already grown attached to Armando and David's boys were HIS boys, not mine. It's hard to explain how we love these kids and how easily they sneak in, but sneak in they do! Plus, no lunch is a little inhumane, right?

The boys (12-14) were a handful for the 3 days I had them, but as apparently everyone was having scheduling problems, the new system was overthrown and we went back to what we knew, which seems better for everyone. Thus, I lost some of my gym classes that I had last week (thank you lord) and gained some art classes downtown and in Cotocollao. I have everything I originally asked for at the end of last year (baths, barrios, girls high school english, armando) but more art than I would like as well as a health class. Who qualified me to teach health in English let alone Spanish! We'll see how it goes with 2,3,5, and 7th graders coloring all over themselves I'm SURE...patience is a virtue.....

So, this past weekend, in addition to a trip to the other side of the city for a nice view of the valley and some canalazo in Guapolo, I trapped myself in my room and did a lot of planning and reorganizing. It's interesting the difference I feel for my students this year as opposed to last. Of course, I wanted the best for them last year and did what I could, but since I really didn't know how to do that until this year, I'm grateful for the opportunity to give them everything and more this year. Maybe this is because I know them so well, I know how hard everyone worked last year to get them where they wanted to be, but already I feel myself more pulled toward the work I am doing for their benefit as opposed to the community of volunteers (who are pretty cool, btw so far :)) It's incredible, just different. I want to be surrounded by children at all points...which is why I'm glad I got baths this year!

Being here for the 2 weeks I have now has been a complete roller coaster of emotions, personally. When I first got here for the first two days, I was really scared that I had made a mistake by coming back the second year. I was terrified I would have to be one of those volunteers who left early, and left more work for everyone. This all changed in an instant last Monday morning when I walked into the welcome assembly swarmed by my favorite kids from the year before, greeted with hugs and kisses from my adult students, and some of the adults I had gotten to know the year before. I was HOME, and a smile and an indescribable feeling of joy and hope has not once left me since that morning....okay, except when Madre Cindy changed my schedule...fair enough :))

Though the year has just begun, I'm already being pressured for an answer to the question, "What's next?" This has come from several of the adults and some of my students. After I explain to them that I can only be a volunteer at the Center for two years as is the Madres' and Padre's rule, I can't help but think about what the last year has meant to me, what this year has already and will mean to me, and how I can put it together and hopefully be able to give money back to the center and come visit in the future. I really haven't given myself, or been allowed to due to time restraints, the time to think about this and reflect on what I want next until the past few days...passing moments, yes, but I think I'll be thinking about my time here at the Center until I take my last breath. BUT, in the meantime, I am researching graduate schools as I am thinking something along the human rights-social work stream, just need to find a place that fits me. I've found a lot of really amazing programs in the states and abroad, so as time goes on, I hope the universe points me in the right direction.

In the meantime, I'm busy with  work for my classes. Armando, my special ed. student, is already proving to be quite entertaining and really rather smart. I can't take credit for the later just yet as I know how far he came last year working with Julie, a special ed trained volunteer we were gifted with. I hope I can help him this year learn his lowercase letters, numbers 16-30, and maybe some life skills along the way. He's all love. To give you an idea of the chaos that insues with him, we (the psychologist who runs the program, Dr. Elizabeth, and Lourdes, who helps out in the room) were playing badmitten the other morning when the birdie escaped in the wind and landed on top of the roof of the bathroom. After discovering that there were no other kids to climb the wall to the roof, Dr. Elizabeth decided that Armando was going to do it, so the three of us hoisted him up the wall and he got on the roof. I've never seen him laugh so hard in my life. I on the other hand was so nervous that he'd lose his footing that he'd fall! Well, he made it, and I couldn't stop laughing.

That's it for now....until next time.... :)

back in action!

Well, let's give this a go-again, shall we?

I've been back in Quito for about 24 hours. My flight was surprisingly pleasant and the only hiccup so far has been that the light is out in the bathroom of the room I am now in. For the traveling between Buffalo-DC-Atlanta-Quito with no delays and no lost luggage, I see this all as a pretty good start to the year. I also got bumped up for free to business class, so that was a nice last taste of the material world before I begin year two here.

Anyway, so I thought I might give this a try again and maybe be better the second time around (isn't that what we all hope for?). Admittedly, I couldn't even remember the blog site I used and had to google search myself for a bit til it came back to me. I thought to give the blog a try again for several reasons:

1.) I really like writing and miss formal papers from college. I figure if I decide to go into a grad program, any sort of writing habit will help me ease back into school.

2.) A lot happened last year and I never have found time to sort it all out. Even when I was home for about 7 weeks over the summer, it was go-go-go mode, and I had a lot of crazy, scary, sad, thoughts about the difference between my life there and what I have always known to be good and true, and the thousands of realizations and epiphanies I've had since being in Quito since last year. I really need to make sense of it if I ever really want to be happy with what I do next and also satisfied that what I've done here is a good and necessary thing. 

3.) Since seeing face to face a lot of my friends and family, it's been really hard to explain myself, so much so that sometimes I get so overwhelmed by conversation that I can't even say anything more than, "ah, that's nice," kinda thing. Some people are really interested in cracking why I'm doing what I'm doing (which I love), while others either tell me that I should be helping people in my own society (not completely unfair), or seem to think my efforts are in vain or are for my own vanity. Being here last year, I know myself that that is pretty unfair and can be hurtful (I'm a sensitive soul now!), or just based on a different set of life experiences. Perhaps this blog will help others and remind myself to think about the importance of thinking from the outside for inward self reflection. In this way, I suppose you can call my work here vain. :)

Not too much has happened in the past 24 hours other than every sort of human emotion and arriving for a second year of volunteer service in a foreign country :) I was sad to leave my family and friends in Buffalo, my sister and friends in DC, and the creature comforts of home--my beagle puppy included! Already I'm being hit with more responsibility than last year, and the new volunteers are asking me a million and one questions about scheduling, who's who, and where to find materials. A lot of that has been confusing because everything about all of those things have changed, but my experience has taught me enough that its better to go with the flow here, not stress, and listen and pick up as much as possible. It's a new year and a new game for all of us!

So there's a solid start to another attempt to keep whoever reads this and myself, as I am just as curious if not more to see what will come out of this year, inwardly and outwardly. It's just about my bedtime and another day begins tomorrow....

it's so good to be back :)