I must admit, I've been contemplating this first blog for a few weeks now. Not only because I've been so consumed by other "adult work" and obligations to really have a few hours to set up my profile, but also because I had to answer a few important questions before beginning, several of which have yet to be answered, so bare with me.
First, Who is this blog for? Will it be my personal journal as I unfold another layer of self, or will I share my thoughts and ideas with whoever chooses to skim through my posts? Well, as all things, it's complicated. I kept two while I was in Berlin: one online which explained my state of mind (and body at that time!) as if I were speaking with friends and family, and separate a written log that unraveled the mysteries of my mind and heart to myself. I reread both on occasion just to see how far I've come. It's amazing what 2 years will do to a person of 23.
Second, Is an online journal in vain since I am not completely positive of my internet situation while in Quito? Well, that I cannot answer fully quite yet, but hopefully I'll at least find a cozy Internet cafe with reliable Internet access somewhere in Quito. This being the case, blogs may be short, sweet, and probably not too juicy. Sorry!
Third, Should I really be focusing any energy on a silly blog since this is not my primary mission while in Ecuador? Again, I'm not sure. I'll have to wait and see how much I get into this, but since co-workers, friends, and family made the request for a blog for updates, I'll see what I can do to appease. Not that any of these people will actually follow my blog...but the idea of someone being mildly interested in this my personal journey was a bit comforting. Could prove a healthy distraction, however.
While these questions all bounced through my head throughout the day, they were not the ones that have been keeping me up at night since moving from DC to Buffalo at the end of April, leaving me exhausted in the morning and searching for caffeine until 2pm. No, the question I needed most to answer was, WHY AM I DOING THIS? I get this question a lot from people...from my closest friends, to the absolute strangers I met in DC during the goodbye-DC period that never seemed to end. I say, "why am I doing this?" like it's something completely crazy and out of left field for me, and I suppose for some people, it would be. The economy sucks, no one is hiring, why not work for free, bum around Quito, and avoid responsibility for another year?
Okay, truth be told, all of those things did cross my mind at one point. I've always had a little bit of inner gypsie in me that fears a permanent residence, car payments, and a mortgage....perhaps its why I love to travel. For a time, I did feel like I was running from DC- Arlington in particular, which to the outside person, would have looked like it pushed me over the edge, and truthfully, it made me realize that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in my comfort zone and that for now, DC had given me all that it could have: an undergrad degree, 4(ish) years of college memories, a broader perspective than my Buffalo roots, an opportunity to really know a major city, and the most amazing friends anyone could ask for (really, I adore you guys!) Honestly, I had everything in DC, and sometimes when I'm home in Buffalo now (weeks before I actually leave the country), I feel crazy for leaving earlier than I had to (let alone at all) , but I felt myself spiraling far out of my own control in the district in my last few months...and that it wasn't what I wanted anymore, so I ran home. I see my own weakness in that, for not sticking out another summer in DC, to get myself together before I left, but the fact that my lease was up and my rent was over $1100 a month also nudged me out the door :)
So really, WHY THEN? During my last semester of college (Fall 2010), I was finally forced to at least start to think about what it was I wanted out of life. I spent four years at CUA taking myself far too seriously, wanting nothing more academically than to enjoy my history classes and graduate with honors. When my time ended and I got what I wanted out of college, I tried to come up with a list of things concrete character traits and skills I had gained as a result of four years of self-torture. When that failed, I went back to the basics. What was it that has actually made me happy and how can I turn that happiness into a something more structured? Many people don't seem to define their character by what they do for 8 hours a day, 5 days week. I'm not one of those people. I need meaning, purpose, and passion. I don't want to settle for a paycheck in front of me. I want to find something greater in me than what I thought was there, and not live with regret of what could have been.
So the basics I felt back on was helping others through volunteering. I loved it in high school and learned a lot about myself at that time through my interactions with other people. I love learning about what makes people tick, why his ticks are louder than her ticks, and how to make all these ticks happy. All that money my dear parents dumped into private Catholic education left something of a mark on me, I guess!
My college experiences were also laced with community outreach thank you KTG, but 2ish years of my 4ish years were a bit more selfish than I would have liked them to have been. Exhaustion, doctors appointments, and colitis nabbed all my extra time when I wasn't struggling through a paper. It was hard to be a good friend, let alone a little humanitarian, most days. But we made it, and now that that door has closed for good, I can finally go back to something I love doing. The "dark days" as I like to call them now that I see the light, have had an unregrettable positive impact on me that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. I gained a strength I never knew existed, an empathy for those who struggle with disease (chronic and terminal), and such a deep appreciation for a.) my health b.) my friends c.) my family and d.) the beauty of health insurance. You can't understand the importance of any of these things until you've dealt with disease. Those two years made me want Quito more, as really I've thought about long term service since high school.
"So uhh...why Ecuador?" - Another great question. I could do just as much good in my own town or even in the States than I could Quito. People need help in many ways, not just those in 3rd world countries where help needed is more obvious. True, a reasonable assessment of need in the world. But I digress to my comfort zone issue...the States is the States no matter where you spin it, and from what I'm told I will quickly learn in a place like Quito compared to DC is that our poverty and their poverty is incomparable. So, in true gypsie fashion, I look for something more extreme than West Virginia and the Appalachians (for example) to jump into aiding those in need in Quito.
Luckily, much of the legwork was done for me as I am preceded by 3 cousins who successfully and enthusiastically completed years at the Working Boys Center. The three who have committed at least a year, along with all those family members who have visited and came home singing the Center's praises, are such an inspiration to me. There's something so pure and rich about how they speak about what they experienced and the love they have for the people there that is impossible not to want the same for myself. I looked thoroughly into other programs, but something told me that Quito was where I was supposed to be. Every time they bring the Center up to me, they light up. I see the love in their eyes, and it's beautiful.
So to Quito I go in 26 days. I have my visa, passport, water purifiers, good hiking boots for weekend explorations, guide books, a journal, and a hope that I will be able to use my talents to make someone's life a little better.
DISCLAIMER (because i'm a bit defensive by nature): A few notes for anyone from the close friend to the complete stranger. One: I am not a "Bible-Thumper." I don't go to church on a regular basis and haven't found that it has contributed to my religious and spiritual life in quite some time. I hope that changes in that I need someone to challenge my philosophies and points of view on some level, since the 20-something years of Catholic education has left me jaded, skeptical, and very off put by any of the Church's bureaucracies. I'm not sure I will find that in a Jesuit Missionary, but hell, anything's possible. I'm very much of the opinion that you don't have to be religious or even spiritual to be a good person. If Jesus, Moses, or Muhammad's life or teachings help you be a good person and you feel you need something as "concrete" as religion is, then by all means, go for it. If all this heaven and hell stuff is real, no amount of Eucharist or confession is going to get you in heaven or avoid "the fires of hell." What you do matters. What you believe in, or blindly participate in, probably not so much. Two: Do not misjudge the restlessness in my own life as judgment on those who chose to stay in one place, have a serious relationship, and do the regular job thing. I want all those things sooner rather than later, but this is something I need to do before I have those commitments and honestly, this is the best time to do it...as I still have no idea what "career" path I will find myself down, nor do I have anyone holding me back emotionally so I am able to give myself completely to the Centro del Muchacho Trabajador. Lucky them! Three: I hope I don't come off as whatever you think I'm coming off as...pretentious, lofty or unrealistic, Jesus-freakish, whatever. I may be all those things, but no moreso than any other person. I'm just trying to make sense of it all! :)
Well, I suppose this is all a start. I'm sure my anxieties will change as I get closer to Aug 20th, but for today, I'd get on a plane right now if I could. I'm so ready for this, and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I'm in the right place.
